“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:18-19)

Wives submit; husbands love. In these few words, Paul lays out a framework for a Christ-centered marriage that can feel both profound and profoundly challenging. In our modern culture, the instruction for anyone to "submit" is often unpopular. The word can carry a notion of being less than, of surrendering one's worth or voice. But this modern interpretation is not the beautiful idea presented in this passage.

Paul is not outlining a rigid hierarchy where one person is degraded. Instead, he is providing practical instructions for a thriving, happy marriage—one built not on dominance, but on a foundation of mutual honor, sacrificial love, and a shared reverence for Christ.

Submission as Mutual Respect

First, Paul asks wives to submit to their own husbands. It’s crucial to understand what this means in its biblical context. This is not a call for women to become silent partners or to follow blindly without thought or opinion. Instead, this form of submission is a sign of deep respect. It involves valuing your partner's ideas, considering them important enough to be heard, and choosing to trust them.

The process only works because it is rooted in a much broader principle that applies to all believers. In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul prefaces his household instructions by saying everyone should be “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). The marital relationship, then, is a specific application of this universal call. It’s a dance of mutual consideration where both partners willingly yield to one another, putting the other's needs and perspectives on equal footing with their own.

Love as Sacrificial Action

On the other hand, husbands are instructed to love their wives and not be harsh with them. This is not just a call to have warm feelings. This is a command to act in a way that actively assigns great value to their wives. Paul takes this instruction even further in Ephesians, telling husbands to love their wives sacrificially, just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).

This is an incredibly high standard. It calls for a love that is selfless, protective, and empowering. It means a husband's primary role is not to demand submission, but to create an environment of safety and honor where his wife can flourish. When a husband loves this way, a wife’s respectful submission is not a chore, but a natural response to feeling cherished and secure.

These two commands—love and respect—are the keys to a peaceful marriage. Paul summarizes this dynamic perfectly at the end of his teaching in Ephesians: “...each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). Men often have an innate need to feel respected and honored, while women often have a deep need to feel loved and appreciated. While we are all unique, when these core needs are met, a healthy and thriving foundation is built for the marriage to stand on.

A Picture of Christ and the Church

Here is the most amazing truth of all: through marriage, we get a clearer picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church. As Paul unpacks the instructions for husbands and wives in Ephesians, he reveals his ultimate point: “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32).

The marriage relationship is designed to be a living parable of the gospel. The Church submits to Christ, not because it is inferior, but because He is the loving, sacrificial head who laid down His life for her. Christ, in turn, continually serves, nourishes, and cherishes the Church. Theirs is a relationship of beautiful mutuality.

When we practice mutual submission and sacrificial love in our marriages, we are following the example Christ set for us. We are acting out the gospel story in our own homes, creating a powerful testimony to the world of God's love.

Whether you are married, hoping to be married, or single, these principles of mutual respect and sacrificial love apply to all our relationships within the body of Christ. Let's ask ourselves how we can better love, serve, and honor those God has placed in our lives, reflecting the beautiful relationship between Christ and His beloved Church.

Personal Reflection Questions

1. How can you show mutual respect by putting someone else’s needs first this week?

2. What does sacrificial, Christ-like love look like in your relationships?

3. How might seeing relationships as a picture of Christ and the Church change your approach to love and respect?